it’s just a muffin

I could feel it happening…
There has been so much on my mind lately and this morning I wanted to spend time journaling my feelings since so many things were running through my head. I was ready to let all the emotions spill out on the paper and really feel some of this instead of keeping it bottled up inside.
And then I saw the blueberry muffins.
“It is morning and I do have to eat breakfast,“ is the thought that went through my head in that moment. Innocent enough. It was the truth after all… So I put my muffin and a banana (because a balanced diet is very important) on a plate, sat down in my journaling spot and started eating.
That’s when I felt it.
Just the other day I was reminded about how eating comfort food actually raises serotonin levels in the brain, giving a temporary sense of well-being. And I could feel it happening.
Never mind the guilt, self condemnation, and judgment I would pour out on myself the next time I looked in the mirror or tried to sit for more than five minutes in my jeans (let alone get them on in the first place). That muffin made me happy while I was eating it! I even thought, “maybe I should have another.”
With those words, I realized what had happened.
All those pent up feelings just disappeared, for the moment, and I felt like I didn’t need to deal with them. I could just move on with my day and when the feelings started to surface again I would either lash out at someone in anger, go find more comfort food to stuff them down with, or both. Either way, I will end up feeling guilt and self condemnation.
Instead, I will try to regurgitate those feelings. I will let them spill out onto the pages of my journal in a messy jumble of words representing another messy season of my life.
Today I am grateful for moments of clarity and for the ability to change my life through those experiences.
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